Her name was Andrea, and she was a sorority girl. Not just any type of sorority girl, but a new pledge, so she was taking drinking to a level some frat boys can’t even match. Cocktails, martinis, whiskey, vodka, beer; you name it, it was in her system that fateful Wednesday night. And she had to piss.
Now walking through Downtown Morgantown, there are plenty of fine establishments to be found that have bathrooms, but she was too drunk to even notice they were there. She chose the fire hydrant by Stewart Hall, and relieved herself of the alcohol poisoning her system. Somehow, that fateful combination of mixed drinks, hard liquor, and ramen noodles created a toxin so fearful that mere contact with it or anyone who had touched it would turn one into the walking dead. Of course she did not know what doom she was bringing upon Morgantown (she’s stupid as shit even when she’s not drunk anyways), and she continued walking downtown, urinating at random locations when she felt the urge.
The next day, as people were being infected all along the path of piss that Andrea made, Mike King was cleaning and complaining. He was angry about how worthless all the college students he cleans for are, and how bad his life sucks. As he was cleaning the floors of Stalnaker, he came across a wet spot on the carpet, which was, unbeknownst to him, where Andrea had marked her territory. Muttering angrily to himself about how evil every college student he ever met was, he began to clean the mess, and was subsequently infected.
The janitorial staff had a meeting later that day, which was a favorite activity among all maintenance members, for everyone loves to hear the angry rants of Mike. As he began to tell them about the puddle on the floor that he had determined was piss, someone patted him on the shoulder and told him how hard his life must be. He was happy for the human contact, for all he ever wanted was to be loved, but he would not be human for long, and neither would be the person that had just touched him.
It spread for the rest of the day, the sickness that would turn people into the living dead. It was contracted by handshakes, passing someone in the hallway, any small touch from one infected to another would cause someone to get the disease. Luckily for Amy, Hannah, and Paige (although not seen that way at the time) they were sequestered in their room studying for exams. And as night fell, and the zombification took effect, they began to get hungry.
“We should all get pasta toss before we go insane from all this studying,” said Paige from upstairs. Both Amy and Hannah agreed, for they all knew the scripture from Genesis, which reads “And on the eighth day God remembered what He had forgotten the past seven days, and He created pasta toss, and He saw that it was good, and gorged Himself on the carbohydrate greatness that is pasta toss.” So all three of them left the room, and they walked down to the cafeteria, and began to stand in line for pasta toss (on the left, of course, for that is where the man with the “touch” for pasta toss is, and he does the Lord’s work.)
As Amy, who was first in line, had just received her steaming plate of epic tortellini, the door to the stairwell slammed with a force that all in the dining hall turned to look. Into the cafeteria walked Mike King, king (pun intended) of the Stalnaker zombies, holding the head of Louie Olive in his hand. A girl screamed, and began to run, throwing her plate of pasta toss at the zombie. He began to chase after her, but the aroma and taste of the little bit of sauce that entered his gaping, blood-filled mouth made him halt. He remembered his humanity, and his abhorrence of university students, but he also remembered that he never wanted to kill them. He dropped Louie’s head, and fell to the ground, eyes overflowing with tears.
Amy, Paige, and Hannah all watched in horror and wonder, but they came back to reality when they heard the pounding fists of zombies against the windows of the Terrace Room. “We have to do something!” Hannah yelled, and both her roommates agreed. And then an idea occurred to her; they had water guns in their room from where they had a water gun fight during the first week of school, and that if they loaded the firearms with pasta sauce instead of aqua, they could defeat the zombies. She told Paige and Amy of her plan, and they both agreed it would work. “But how will we get to our room? It’s probably blocked by zombies,” Paige asked. “I can distract them with my gymnastic skills,” said Amy, and before anyone could stop her, she ran out of the room, doing cartwheels and flips on her way out, causing all the zombies to chase after her.
Hannah and Paige hurriedly but carefully made their way up to the room, and grabbed the Super Soakers from the shelf they were stored on. They quickly made their way back to the dining hall, and filled the guns to the brim. They ran up the stairs, and were greeted by a horde of zombies coming through the front door. With carefully aimed shots to the mouth by both Paige and Hannah, the zombies remembered who they were and came back to life with a sudden craving for pasta toss.
As the night wore on, Paige and Hannah expanded their zombie hunting efforts to the entire downtown campus, and Amy helped to herd all the undead towards where her roommates were hiding. After a long night of fighting evil, the undead were re-humanized, and all the exhausted roommates went to bed, leaving body cleanup to Mike King.
-Contributing Authors: Apparently a mysterious third person narrator who didn't follow SPECIFIC instructions to create in the first person COUGHPaige/HannahCOUGH
